My mom will not let me take a picture of her,
she says she doesn’t like the way she looks.
I tell her she is beautiful, but when my friends take
a picture of me, I tell them I don’t like the way I look.
I realize we are the same, two women
who deserve to hear over and over again that we
are beautiful. But even so, that it will take a lifetime
for us to feel content in our bodies, those that
gave life to a whole being, the one we held in our arms
and promised to never let even the tiniest hair touch.
december thoughts
i think about how everyone is sad inside. i think about the darkness of the night, how it makes us scared that one day it might just stay that way. people leaving, loved ones dying, of feeling a pain that we cannot bear to patch up. but the darkness makes me think of dreams. i think of my parents before they got married, the dreams that they had for their future, the dreams they had for their first child, the love they felt holding me in their arms for the first time. i think of how loved we are, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to find proof. i think how my heart has broken over and over for a stranger or a friend, when i never taught it to heal itself. that if it dares to break again, i may leave it that way. i think of my own dreams for my brother, for him to have someone who loves him by his side when one day i am gone. i think of my grandmother, dancing in heaven. i think how as we get older, our dreams get smaller. i think back to my childhood, how my writing made my teacher cry. it makes me think of my words, how they may have the power to touch someone. when in actuality, i’m crying out to be heard. i think back to my childhood, i think, what if i was there to hold your hand. would you be less scared? i think how actually we’re all crying out, in the darkness, at night, when we’re alone with our thoughts. how that makes the darkness beautiful. i think of all the voices crying out and lighting up the sky in time for the sunrise. and i think to myself how my voice is out there—albeit one in eight billion—and perhaps that is what helps me face another ending, the ending that this december brings.
golden
‘do you believe in magic?’
was the second thing you asked, after my name
and i shook my head and said ‘no'
but the smile never left the corner of your lips
that summer we drove down to malibu
you promised to show me the fireworks
but we never left the car because your favorite song came on
and it was that moment, under the golden sky
i whispered ‘yes’ just when the fireworks went off
and you turned to me, with that smile i still adore
i looked away and began singing at the top of my lungs
now i’m left wondering if you even heard
because you left two weeks later, in hopes of something new
to this day i still find myself hopelessly imagining
running into you again, this time
i would prepare myself for the question you asked
years ago, the first day we met,
the day the sky was golden
zero gravity
dear grandma,
I will fly around the world for you
spend the night kissing strangers
lay under the Eiffel Tower and reach out
almost able to touch the stars with my fingertips
I will walk on the moon for you
all the things you could never even imagine
I hope you live for me to tell you how it felt
with no gravity (I know that’s not technically true)
to pull me down, to pull us down
I will cry like you never did
even when your firstborn died
because you pushed through with those
calluses on your fingers from picking up
all the broken pieces of your heart
I will yell and shout for you because I want
people to know if I’m breaking
and that I don’t need to endure it all
because I’m a woman
and I will stay strong when you
can no longer recognize me or
remember my name, I will grab onto
memories of us smiling, laughing
I will do anything for you if you promise me
just one thing—years later, when I give up
and call out to you, to hear your voice one last time
for a reminder that you are somewhere out there,
don’t.
only then will I know that you made it,
you flew way above the clouds, above the stars
further than the moon, somewhere with zero gravity
where nothing can pull you back down here,
the calluses on your fingers will be gone
and I pray that you will be reunited with him
and he will tell you that it never, ever was your fault